A few days ago, I had a day of total nostalgia. I pulled out some old cd's and listened to some praise music that brought me back to the early days of my faith. "Basics of Life" and "Where There is Faith" by 4Him, "Mercy Came Running" by Phillips, Craig, & Dean, and "The Great Divide" by Point of Grace. I mean big time jam session, wishing for the simpler days of my faith. In retrospect, it was easier to have faith in those days because I wasn't facing the trials of this day and age. I know now why the Bible compares our journey in faith to running a race. When you start running, there's so much enthusiasm, an eagerness to run with diligence and win. The longer you run, though, the harder it becomes to finish the race. You're faced with fatigue, self-doubt, stumbling and trying to get back up.....

That sums up the condition of my heart lately. But yesterday God revealed Himself to me again in a very personal way that I am compelled to share with others. The night before last, I started bleeding. I was fairly certain that I was having another miscarriage (this would be my third). I cried myself to sleep. When Meg woke up for her bottle at 4:15, I fed her and rocked her to sleep. But I couldn't go back to sleep...way too much on my mind. So I pulled out my old faithful (and unfortunately dusty) Bible. I had no idea which passage to read so I did the old "open it to wherever the pages fall, close my eyes and point to a passage" routine. Guess which passage I pointed to: the story of Jesus standing in a large crowd heading to Jairus's home to heal his daughter when a women who had been bleeding reached out and touched His garment and was healed by faith. I almost heard the audible voice of God saying "I know right where you are, and I'm right here with you."

I went to the doctor yesterday and found out that indeed I had sufferred another miscarriage. This one, however, was much different than the other two. I had a condition called a blighted ovum. While I did actually get pregnant, the cells that split only formed a gestational sac, not a baby. There was never a baby, only an empty sac. I can't get my head around it....no baby, just emptiness. I don't understand how to mourn the loss of a baby who never existed. Or did it exist only in the form of cells and nothing more?

My faith has been through so many roller coasters, so many ups and downs in this crazy existence we call life. I know I must be a disappointment to God with my lack of faith at times. But the one truth in life that I am continually astounded by is God's faithfulness in spite of my faults. He has promised to never leave us nor forsake us, and He is faithful to His promises. I don't have to understand this trial in order to get through it.